chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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