When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
