2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
