I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
