Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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