You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
