3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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