dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
