He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
