I wish my penis had an off switch
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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