Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
