The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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