you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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