and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
