hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
