I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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