dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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