wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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