Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
