no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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