no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
