we have pet lesbian snakes
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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