I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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