My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
