I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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