Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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