my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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