my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
