just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You are a genius and a whore.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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