Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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