I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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