she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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