You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
