Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
