Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
