i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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