Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
