Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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