I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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