Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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