ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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