just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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