we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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