I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
