So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
