Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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