If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
