Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
