Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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