My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I have already put on my inside pants.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
