I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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