why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
