i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
