So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
