I hate your face
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Randomize
