"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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