Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
