I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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